New York I write to you from the other side of the Hudson. I am near you but just far enough away. A safe distance for cheaper rent and more space. I miss you a little though. For now we wave at each other across a body of water but I still visit you almost every day. I probably will continue to do that. Hugs and kisses from the mainland.

Evening. Perfect summer breeze. I just saw an old man dragging a 1990's style television set behind him, by the chord, like a pet rock. Screen side facing down on the pavement.

Well I'm back. Love/hate relationship with New York? I guess so. When I first arrived at JFK a few days before New Year's Eve I shed a little tear to see the dirty airport bathrooms and the plethora of diverse races all in one place. I love New York. When I got in a long line to refill my subway card because only one machine was working, I almost relished bitching to the MTA worker about it and laughed a little underneath my bitch face.  God, I missed this.  But the questions is this: I'm back and now what?   I've been looking for work for over a month and have been sleeping on a couch for just as long. Did I make the right choice by coming back here? Is the reason for my doubt just because I'm staying so far into the Bronx that I'm almost in Connecticut? Or is that feeling of eternal loneliness that only New York can give you starting to wash over me? Anyway, it's been approximately fifty one days since I've arrived and I've never felt so completely lost about where I belong.

I realized I haven't written on here for some time. I guess life carried me away for a bit from writing. I'm in Chicago for now so what does that say? I guess I'll have to start a different blog and come back to this one if I move back. Which isn't that always how all love/hate relationships go?

In a sea of over 8 million people how can it be so hard to try to just let yourself be absorbed every once in a while?

I think I need to get out more since most of my posts are about things that happen on the subway. I realize that this is because its the only time I'm really outside with civilization during this blustery winter. However, my experiences on the subway frequently make me want to never leave my apartment again. Scene: G train platform tonight around 6:30.While me and mass humanity (or I think as us G train riders are known as-The Angry Horde)  are waiting for a train to decide it wants to make a cameo, out of the corner of my eye I see the woman next to me saunter away about 5 feet towards the stairs. She lets out a long, loud, fart, then another one. Then she nonchalantly walks back over, looks at me like "what?" and continues waiting for the train. I walked away in a safer direction.

A young man with dreads a skateboard was exiting the L with me. As we were walking upstairs he tapped me on the shoulder to let me know my purse was open. A stranger was looking out for me. I walked into the deli and I put a can of tuna fish and a beer on the counter. The middle eastern man rang me up and I walked out with my little brown paper bag. I walked down the street in the cold evening air, smiling.

Sunday evening. Waiting 20 minutes and a train hadn't shown yet on the MTA's amazing weekend service schedule. The bright side?  After making a fool out of myself asking a conductor if it's ever going to get any better I knew I'd most likely never see any of those people on the platform staring at me again.

Current temperature: 9 degrees fahrenheit. While walking down my street, a young man leisurely riding a bicycle passed by me singing his heart out to Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On" at the top of his lungs. A minute later, while still laughing at that, someone ran up right behind me scaring the bejeezus out of me. It turned to only be a guy running somewhere in shorts and a t-shirt.

Tonight I got on the train with a book for the first time in two months. It took me 15 minutes to find the page I last left off on. I transferred to the L, sat down, and started to read. Five seconds later a cluster of street performers got on, turned up their boom box and started to break dance.